I  would delay myself
being alone in the house when all of you are gone

I would linger in the garden looking at the flowers
trying to absorb some of their strength

I know I’m going to crash that sweet mould I have carved
to pieces
and then be miserable
for many days
until I gather the fragments again

I’m powerless
as I take pleasure in watching myself scribble
all over the wall
transferring the hurt that i have labeled as my own

It’s at such times I’m my own spectator
watching a part of me behave like a child
I never have any control

I know I’m supposed to look at this unfolding
distance myself from its arms
but it’s sometimes a thin gap
and I let myself be drawn
to a vortex
I cannot disengage

I would let me ruin myself
let me pull all my pillars and walls
and bury me so deep
that it would take enormous strength
to come out of the rubble

It’s with difficulty I will stand
my head bent…
drained

I won’t be able to move
for days

It will be a long process
to face the light
again

©Malintha Perera 2015

 

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